It may be a seasonal thing-it used to happen to me in my college days. Some people call it mid-winter blues, I used to get it always in October. I honestly don't know why. Call it the blues then. I get it every once in a while now, brought on by the stresses that my husband and I share with the schedule that we keep every week.
I became inspired to share a rant with you after reading my friend Jennifer's confession on her amazing blog called I know, right? She is such a great girl and I love her writing style. If you get a chance to read her posts you will see what I mean. I can relate to her post not because I feel a bit lost or perhaps with little direction but because I am stuck in rut. But what makes my rut maddening for me is that I know I could get out of it if only I had more time/money. Which then leads me to being frustrated...
My Vision Board has helped keep me focused on my desires and current dreams, but I am struggling with keeping my optimism. I think this is happening because of the way our lifestyle is at the moment. I think I have given you bits and pieces of what it is like but here I go.....I want you all to know I am not sharing this because I want sympathy and I certainly do not care for pity....I am sharing it because I need to get it off my chest. You will see why.
Contrary to how tired I am, I love being a stay at home mother. I have worked 9-5 jobs since I was 16 until I was 31, with my disability and all-no matter how hard it was for me to stand or do things-I did it. I am very proud of the fact that I did. I defiantly feel like I am doing a slamming job raising my children. They are polite, energetic, sweet, affectionate, and loving. I cannot ask for more.
I know of so many amazing moms who are able to have a cleaning lady come in once a week, go on dates with their spouses, have family and friends around to help out and keep them sane. They may even be able to go on vacations whether it is for a weekend or a month. I am in no way jealous of them, I am not the jealous type. I feel happy for them and I know how much all of that helps especially when you are working so hard being a mom.
I see my husband for about 30 minutes in the morning and in the evening. He doesn't come home until 12:30am after working his two jobs. On the weekends, we get to see him until about two or three in the afternoon. We only have one car so we try and fit as many errands as possible during those times. He is very tired so he tries to take care of his own stuff and sometimes helps me with the house. My family lives in another part of New York and all of my closest friends live out of state or out of country. Most were native New Yorkers but have since relocated their lives and their families.
I don't have many people that I can really talk to and being on skype or online in any way shape or form takes a lot of time away from the kids, which usually leads them to going wacko on me hehe Lately, I have been trying to give myself a certain amount of hours online and then shut it off for the rest of the day. Otherwise, the babies really do need a great deal of attention, especially these days with the baby becoming two soon. He is my lil monkey hehe
I don't get out much during the week because there is only one car and such a limited time to get things done. So I am home bound a great deal. The times you have seen me post outings and such, a great deal of planning and sacrifice goes into those. To top it off lately I have been feeling incredibly fatigued by the time the afternoon has rolled around. I think its because of lack of sleep. I am a lighter sleeper than my husband so every time a baby wakes up or crawls into our bed, I wake up.
Not having my husband around is huge! If he were to come home after job number one, it would help in so many ways. My children get to have fun with dad and we would do more together but also just knowing someone is around helps so much.
Now my rant isn't about my hardships because there will always be hard times in our lives. I have been through many already so I know its okay. And it isn't about what I don't have because I am aware that there are others who have less and have it worse. I suppose I am just tired of feeling tired and tired of feeling frustrated. I know what I want out of my life, I have a list of things I want to do and want to learn etc. But without time or money how can anyone move ahead?
There isn't much I can do about feeling tired, but what can I do about feeling frustrated? I work on my blog everyday, although I am unable to post as frequently as I would like, it takes days- sometimes weeks to complete a post because I have to it little by little. Really, I work with whatever the day has given to me.
You all know how passionate I am as a person and how determined I am to succeed-the universe knows what I want and I know it doesn't happen overnight, but how does one overcome the feeling like what they are doing isn't enough? My father reminds me from time to time that I do a lot, even though all I did on one given day is the laundry, dishes, bottles, and a craft with the kids. I wish I could do more.
Ever feel like your heart or mind is going to burst open if not given a chance to express oneself or be creative. That's me. I am so grateful for the times I do get to express myself like right now (babies 1 and 2 are napping) or the times I get to be creative, like my World's Fair Shoot. I am so grateful that my husband supports my craziness over the vintage and everything that comes with it. For my dad, even though he doesn't understand anything that I am doing, he does know it has made me happy, so he babysits when he can so I can do my thing. For all the friends I have made through blogging and modeling-I have met some incredible people. I know I am blessed, now I need to figure out how I can help myself from being overwhelmed with impatience and frustration.
How do you deal with those emotions? I am aware that if I had more time with my husband, more time for myself, and more money to tend what needs to be tending too, I wouldn't feel down so often-so defeated. How do you deal with those moments in life that kick you down?
I hope you feel like you know me a little better. I want my blog not only to express my passion for the past but also to express my passion for living the best life I can.
Much Love, Bunny xox
It's all right girl we are all going through it too. First of all this might help with your blog. In the morning I usually get up first, between 6 and 6:30. I make a cup of coffee and start working on my blog right away and it's done with little interruptions. If the girls are awake they are usually just waking up so I put some cartoons on and give them some Ovaltine and that keeps them busy enough for me to complete what I need done. As far as your husband being away that has to be the hardest thing for you, I really feel for you honestly, my husband was gone for two nights this week and I missed him so much. I know how it feels to be isolated, for 8 years in Michigan I had no friends or family to speak of just my husband who worked late and traveled quite a bit and then later on my children. I did have a car but everything was so far away I only left the house twice a month to go grocery shopping, that was my big day. Just know your friends might not be able to come over and visit but we are here for you anytime you want or need to talk!
ReplyDeleteI think you should be very proud of what you have accomplished:) It's also a great thing that you do take some time for yourself. My husband also works long hours and I rarely see him during the week so having my own personal goals helps me out tremendously. One thing I find that helps to determine success is determination. And, from what I see, you have tons of this:) I think how you focus on a goal and work towards it is what helps you grow and move forward. It's a-okay to vent and having a blog is a great outlet:)) The good thing about your creative outlet in vintage is that there is a vast resource of free material on the internet:) I love to look at the historical perspective and so thankful that this period is available to us through film, the written word, and photography.
ReplyDeleteI get the winter blues too- very badly actually! I should probably be on medication for seasonal affective disorder but I try to cope with it in other ways. I use light therapy, eat lots of fresh fruit and veg and soak up natural light when I can. Not getting out of the house is hell on the winter blues so I often close the windows, turn on lots of bright lights and pretend that it's a sunny day. I totally agree with Trina too. Give the kids any small distraction that you can so you can get a little work done. Its not easy but 5 minutes here and there makes a difference. We're all here for you, sweetie!
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I have so much to say, I don't even know where to begin.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I wish with all my heart that we lived in the same city. You are one of the sweetest and most fabulous women I know. If I lived ten minutes away, I would seriously drop by your house every day, even if it was just for 15 minutes to have coffee/tea or have lunch or watch a movie or talk or whatever. You have no idea how badly I wish I could do this.
What you're describing reminds me a book I read in Women's Studies back in college. It was about the 1950s housewife syndrome. There were women who loved being stay-at-home moms but like you, wanted more out of life. Their husbands were gone at work all the time, they didn't have many friends nearby, and they didn't have any hobbies that were practical for their schedule/funds.
One of the things I love about you is that even though you're stuck in a rut, you still pursue your passions. You're a pinup model who blogs about vintage/retro awesomeness. Your knowledge about pop culture (especially the golden era of Hollywood) is enviable and inspiring. I love that you have that outlet, even though it's honestly not enough. Can you imagine if you didn't? Like, if it really was the 1950s?!
I completely understand what you mean about more money and more time. And what's even more frustrating is that it's not even A LOT of money you need to make a difference. You're not asking to win millions of dollars in the lottery, you simply need just thousands of dollars more to make life a little more manageable.
I'm sorry you're having the winter blues. I also suffer from this sentiment. I absolutely hate cold weather and I despise driving in snow. I can't afford to pay for any senseless fender benders that arise from my sliding down a busy street or some idiot plowing into my car because he's going 45 in two feet of snow. Sigh. Just thinking about the upcoming winter makes me want to cry. :S
I hope things pick up for you. xoxo
Hello Bunny,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that I stopped by and read this post. I don't know what to say, in giving any help. From what I have read on your blog, I think you will soon get through this feeling of blues.
I have always been a wife and mother at home. My husband makes a modest income. We only go out for a "date" on our anniversary or one of our birthdays...typically no more than three times a year. We seldom eat fast food. Usually we take snacks along if we plan to be out for the day. Most of our marriage, we only have had one vehicle, and although we have two now, I still do not have a vehicle because my son uses it for getting to work and school.
I never had a housekeeper, and I only had a sister babysit my children a handful of times. (My family no longer lives that close.) We always took our children with us if we went out.
It seem, the biggest difference between us is that your husband is gone way more than mine ever was; that makes it MUCH harder for you.
I was always a homebody. I did not mind one bit being at home nearly 24/7 with my children - I loved it; to me it was heaven.
My life is not so much like your anymore because I no longer have young children, although I would still tell you that those were the happiest days of my life. My children are all still at home, but all older; my youngest just turned 13. Actually, I would say that my life now is much harder than it was when they were young. Things were so much simpler then. Now I have much more work to do with everyone making bigger messes and leaving their things around. My house is messier with older children than it ever was when they were little.
Everyone is going in different directions and the stress level is MUCH higher. I have three in college and when they are stressed, I am stressed. On top of that, my husband shares his stress with me day and night. Yes, when he can't sleep; I don't get to sleep. And the number of sleepless nights have increased as he gets older because his work is harder for him now than it was when he was younger. (He works around a lot of technology, and he is expected to continually learn new things.)
Oh dear, I am not sure if I should summit this comment. It has gotten as long as your post and I am supposed to be COMFORTING you.
I do NOT believe that the women of the 1950s had it so bad. Staying home was what women did; no one expected them to be doing more than that. I wish it were still that simple. Now people behave as if you are not doing anything if all you do is stay at home and take care of your family. How sad.
The job you are doing is the best and most important job in the entire world!!! I stand by that statement. I believe that is why I have always been completely content being a wife and mother. That defines me. That is who I am and all I need to be.
I hope you find peace in your own situation. I pray you find the comfort you need to satisfy your soul.
Love,
Hope
I believe that you are already doing one of the single most important things you can, discussing your thoughts, concerns, worries, frustrations and so on openly and honestly. Take from someone who has a tendency to really keep to herself and to let worries fester, no good can come from bottling everything up. That doesn't mean has to blog about every concern or private matter, of course not, but sometimes just getting thoughts out of your brain and down on (virtual) paper can provide a lot of relief and help unto itself.
ReplyDeleteI think you are an amazing, wonderful, strong, creative woman, blogger and mother, and I'm always here for you anyway I can be, sweet friend.
Endless hugs & understanding,
♥ Jessica
Dear Bunny,
ReplyDeleteWhat your feeling is COMPLETELY normal.I remember reading many years ago "motherhood is 50% resentment, 50% guilt" and while this is not really this case the sentiment is true. We feel guilty if we don't do all the things we think a good mother should do, if we want a little more time etc.
Winter is an awful period for me, this winter (that has just finished here) was a bad, cold one and I had to try and cheer myself up by divising a "Sewing-my-way-toSpring"campaign. I set myself a few Spring/Summer sewing dress projects to do and as I completed each one I felt a little closer to the warmer, happier weather. I'm not saying that this sort of thing is the answer but these things help to distract me from the blah of bad times.
I have a son with additional needs and at times this can be quite trying and worrying...motherhood is a really hard job and I sympathise and empathise with you. Hang in there, look for the joy in little everyday things and the spring will soon return to your step. Best wishes Shauna
Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories with me and for supporting me exactly when I need it. I hope I can do the same for all of you one day. You are all incredible women and I hope your friendships dear to my heart! xox
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