Friday, November 4, 2011

It just hit the spot!

Ever have a day where everything and I mean everything just HIT you in the face all at once? I think we all live in the realities that we envision for ourselves. For example, women who date jerks but when she looks at him she thinks he  is fabulous OR men who swear they are God's gift to women yet are probably on the low scale when it comes to looks.

Point is---our mind is a wonderful and scary thing. It can help us forget horrible things or make us image  things that don't exist.

I lead a good life--honestly the only thing I can ask for is less stress. People say "Money doesn't buy you happiness", but a good friend said to me recently--it can buy peace of mind and more time together with your loved ones.

Everyone is suffering from this bad economy--some more than others. For some reasons most people I personally know act like nothing is happening. That's their version of reality they are living--pretending everything is okay when it probably isn't.

This past week the situation my family and I are in financially hit me in the face and since we are now focused on eliminating some debt that means things are tighter than ever. When you're going through tough times you want to indulge in something that takes your mind away from things, be it a show or a movie or just about anything. Mine is vintage/pinup modeling.

And when all of this hit me, what also hit me what how important my role as a stay at home mother really is. Now call me naive but I really didn't know how important and how vital my role really is. I don't have any close friends in my state that are stay at home parents and I obviously my mom isn't around so I could ask her what this role really entails.

I simply thought it was up keeping the home, planning things, tending, and educating the children. No, it's so much more than that. Honestly realizing that has scared me to bits. And also realizing how much harder it will be for me to build my modeling portfolio and to gain more experiences just put me in a downward spiral of defeat. I actually felt defeated. I haven't felt that as an adult or as a mother, so in many ways this is all so very new to me.

I found myself feeling incredibly frustrated (I still am in some smaller ways) and just feeling many deep shades of blue.

Slowly throughout my day after chatting with some great friends and chatting with my father and husband, I slowly started to pick myself up. I know I can do a great job at being a stay at home mother and I know I can become a vintage model--I just wondered to myself if I was strong enough to do the seemingly impossible. Being the only women in my life (aside from a few friends but no family relations) I don't really have a reference or anyone to go to and ask, "hey, is this normal?" or "will I be okay". Most of my closest relationships are with men--my husband, my father, my friend Nick....I speak to them more than any female in my life. And although they are exceptional men and always there for me when I need an ear, its just not the same.

With that being said, this blogger/pinup/vintage world I have been in has introduced me to some amazing women that even though I have never met them personally (aside from Lucy Anne Riggs), they have been so supportive and given me the wisdom and push I needed.

My dear friend Brittany from Va-Voom Vintage said it perfectly to me, I am living out my "Great Depression" and when this is all over it will be the 1950's for us. That put a huge smile on my face. I am so grateful that I have a friend like her and Lucy Anne because they both understand so well my situation as a stay at home mother and also my frustration on how to achieve my pinup dreams. Thank you girls for that!! xox

Before my day ended, I found this amazing blog by the actress Sherilyn Fenn called,
Postcards from the Ledge. It was what I really needed that dreadful day everything hit my face...this post called, "I just want to be a woman" really HIT THE SPOT for me.

To have someone who is has and is in the spotlight and who has been both a working mother and who is now a stay at home mother, say all the things I have been thinking and feeling was just...well I felt tremendous peace after reading it. I know I am not alone. And I know that everything I feel and am going through is all normal. I also know that its best to let your feelings and thoughts out especially when they are leaning to the negative because holding it will just make you take it out on the people you love.

And for me, enjoying the role of being a stay at home mom means a great deal. I know it won't last forever and I know they won't need me like they do now forever. Striking that balance is always important. And all the scary stuff my family is now enduring, well it is making us stronger, more focused, more grateful, and more unified. We are of course more tired and more broke too hehehe but I am happy to say my husband is still supporting my dream and together we are working on some goals that hopefully will occur in the spring. (yeah!)

I choose to be a desert flower!



  1. I'm so proud of you, sweetheart! You will get through and everything will be okay. You know I"m always here for you, darlin'! xoxo

  2. I'm so glad I have a friend in you Brittany! xox

  3. I can relate to the spirit of this post a great deal, and hope that writing it brought you (even just a momentary) sense of catharsis (as I know, even just vaguely touching on some of the most pressing issues in my life on my blog sometimes does for me).

    From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best and will keeping my fingers crossed that 2012 proves to be a much, much better year for both of us.

    Hugs & understanding,

  4. Oh thank you Jessica! I am glad we have connected as we have a great deal in common. Its so easy to slip into the dark despair than to rejoice in what is good in our lives. I, too wish you blessings for the new year!!! xox


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